Dear Dr. Pepper,
You are an asshole. I only signed up for your cocksucking newsletter because you promised me a free Dr. Pepper for Chinese Democracy coming out in '08. However I NEVER GOT MY FREE FUCKING DR. PEPPER. Yeah, because your cocksucking servers were down all fucking day. It was abundantly clear that you had no intention of making good on your promise to give everyone in America a free artificially-flavored beverage. Instead, you used these highly convenient technical difficulties as a means to renege on your solemn promise to America. This is COCKSUCKER BEHAVIOR of the HIGHEST ORDER.
It has been well over a year since that day—the day of your greatest shame—and yet you continue to send me your bullshit newsletter. I can only interpret that as a slap to the fucking face.
Desist immediately, you cocksucking assholes. I don't give a shit about your noxious sugarwater anymore, and I do not give a fuck about these "Sugarland" assholes. One of them looks like a homosexual parody of a cowboy and the other is not fat but looks like she really ought to be so (her cheeks are paradoxically hollow yet chipmunk-like). I consider these degenerate hillfolk to be appropriate spokespeople for your perfidious and thoroughly ugly business.
Also, there should be a period after “Dr” but you can’t even get that right.
I hope that a massive corn smut bankrupts you. I hope that your children grow up in a dystopian future ruled by the iron fist of Mr. Pibb.
Signed,
A BILIOUS ENEMY
I remember writing this quite vividly, but the precise thought process at work escapes me. The e-mail in question arrived at my Hotmail account, which I use entirely as a spam magnet. So I really can’t imagine why I was so upset to actually receive spam. I suppose it was just the principle of the thing.
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