Windows 7: A Few Thoughts

I took the plunge with the latest version of Windows after a mysterious sprite excreted a copy--from some unspeakable orifice--onto my chest as I slept. I've been using it continuously for the last several days and am prepared to make a few comments.

First, it was very childish of the installer to offer to backup my old XP files then, after I clicked "YES," to tell me that it was going to mangle them instead. It later told me that it was joking, but I found that all of my old MP3s had been replaced by a single Depeche Mode box set--in 64kbr WAV format.

Also, during the install, a very disturbing video played that depicted Mac users being fed to a multi-phallused beast with a mouth shaped like a vagina. A very strange song played during this video that made my head hurt. At some point I passed out. When I woke up the installation was done, so I can't really complain, but still ALL MAC USERS MUST SUFFER AND DIE SUFFER AND DIE SUFFER AND DIE SUFFER AND DIE.

When I was finally allowed to use the OS (after a brief quiz on the succession of Holy Roman Emperors--DRM these days, yeesh), I found the new taskbar very refreshing. For those not in the know, here's how it works:

Instead of the old system where every program had a little bar at the bottom of the screen, each discreet program is now represented by a tiny picture of an old man defecating the program icon. When you hover over the icon a list of Chinese characters appear that represent all open windows for that application. The characters are color coded by age according to the alchemical process of perfect unification of matter and spirit (nigredo, albedo, citrinitas, and rubedo). This creates a kind of fun uncertainty (Am I checking my e-mail or formatting my hard disk?) until you get used to the system (and while you only really need to memorize a fraction of the 50,000 traditional Chinese characters, I'd go ahead and pick up a copy of Rosetta Stone anyway, for reasons that will become obvious later).

Windows 7 immediately detected my hardware and downloaded the appropriate drivers. I could have done without it telling me that ATI video cards are for "fags and n00bs," though. I already know that and the shame haunts me daily. I did have a major ordeal finding Windows 7 64-bit drivers for my USB Pork Roaster, though, but it's a pretty bleeding edge piece of equipment.

I want to take a moment to talk about the sample media that come with the OS. It’s traditional for Windows to offer a smattering of “sample pictures” and “sample music” and such, but Windows 7 takes this to a bizarre and humiliating new level. The “sample pictures” are all pornographic MS-Paint illustrations of Hanna-Barbera cartoon characters, and the “sample videos” are haunting compositions consisting of static, shadowy figures, and ominous garbled speech that an antiquarian friend of mine assures me is a rare dialect of Akkadian. These videos give me headaches and nightmares but I find myself unable to stop watching them.

Back to the OS itself. The obtrusive Vista UAC is gone, and in its place is a sneering, sarcastic creature called MOLOCH. He has three settings: Off (not recommended), Jerkass, Motherfucker and Absolute Bastard. When I tried to turn him off he made my screen flicker in a strange pattern that made me feel sad and sleepy. I’ll never try it again. On the “Jerkass” setting he limits himself to questioning your manhood (or womanhood, as the case may be) and randomly undeleting your files. On “Motherfucker” he refuses to let you change anything on the system, claiming that you are “too stupid to own a computer.” The “Absolute Bastard” setting limits you to playing Free Cell and visiting MSN.com. It also uses your webcam to try to take surreptitious pictures of your genitals, then edit them into collages that make unflattering comparisons between your organs and those of common domestic canines. This setting also automatically deletes your Facebook account.

Even on the lowest setting MOLOCH is fiercely critical of the user’s taste in pornography. His constant recommendations are shocking and, I suspect, illegal. For instance, a Google search for “Sasha Grey” was redirected to an article about her contracting anal warts and a Bing search for “Russian lolitas all holes filled doberman pinscher.” All and all, MOLOCH is a very helpful feature and I would recommend that the user leave it at maximum strength because, let’s face it, you are nothing but a mewling ape-creature barely in command of your own feeble, moist body.

Windows 7’s system requirements bear a brief mention before I close:

“The Spaghetti Incident?” should be optional, though. Part way through the installation, you are asked to put in the CD. The installer then plays the 13th track, “Look at Your Game, Girl” just so it can inform you afterwards that the song was written by Charles Manson. A dialogue appears that says “Did this freak you out?” Your options are “yes” or “no,” and the installation will not proceed until you admit that it did freak you out. A brief lecture follows on Manson’s involvement with Dennis Wilson and the Beach Boys. Interesting, but I don’t see what it has to do with installing Windows. (Note: The installer says to hold the vinyl version in the flames of a tallow candle and to inhale the fumes.)

There you have it. If you want an OS that basically runs itself (and on startup and shutdown lectures you on the intellectual and cultural superiority of the Chinese people), Windows 7 is just right. If, however, you prefer to be thought of as a homosexual by your friends and peers and to be the butt of cruel jokes made by the opposite sex, you might prefer to use a Mac or some effeminate *nix variant. PRAISE MOLOCH.