Based on a true story.
“Did you hear about Lord Monckton? He called out Al Gore on global warming. He said that Gore needs to either come and debate him or shut up and admit that the data shows that global warming does not exist. All of the studies clearly demonstrate that the earth has been cooling for the last thousand years. Have you ever taken a statistics class? I took one last semester that taught me how any statement can be proven or disproven by statistics. Hold on…
“So last weekend I felt myself starting to get a little sick. I had kind of a sore throat. What I do when I feel myself getting sick is I take a shitload of vitamin C. Like, five times the legally recommended dose of vitamin C. If I took any more my kidneys might shut down. Then I go to bed and that nukes the cold. I haven’t been sick in five years. Hold on…
“I was in class yesterday and the professor was showing a PowerPoint presentation about left-wing totalitarianism and right-wing totalitarianism. I was like ‘How can you have right-wing totalitarianism? That’s an oxymoron.’ Well, because, if you define left-wing as ‘more control’ and right-wing as ‘less control—’ No, that’s not the point. It’s like if you had a scale with bicycles at one end, and SUVs at the other end, then you showed a picture of a Hummer and said it was a bicycle. Like fascism is left-wing—. Because when they founded Nazism they explicitly said that it was socialist—. The only difference between Communism and Nazism is that one wants to take control over everything for everyone, and the other wants to take control for a specific group of people. Hold on…
“I’ve been trying to find this specific oyster sauce that I like to use when I cook, but I just can’t find it in this state. Do you know what sauce I’m talking about? Have you ever had Chinese food? You know that sauce that tastes, like, super good? Yeah, it’s not soy sauce; it’s oyster sauce. What happened was, like, a hundred years ago this Chinese guy was making oyster soup but he left it to cook too long. Like, he went out and then came back, and it was over-cooked. Like, way overcooked. Hold on…
“So I have a bunch of people coming over tonight and I’m supposed to cook. I make these drummies that I use the oyster sauce with. We’re going to watch an episode of this anime show that’s been going on for, like, hundreds of episodes. These two characters are supposed to fight and they’ve been building it up for, like, two years. One of them is the other’s student and what happened was—hold on…
“I heard about this game called Shogun. It’s like Spin the Bottle or Truth or Dare, only Japanese. Everyone kind of draws these straws—you know, like where usually one person gets a short straw and gets screwed, only in Shogun one person gets to be the Shogun and he calls out a number—all the sticks are numbered—and then says what the person with that number has to do. And they have to do anything he says. I was watching this anime where a bunch of guys were playing Shogun with an actual Shogun. Like, the government in the show is run by a secret group of people, and they tell the Shogun that he has to leave Neo-Tokyo and go live among the people for a while. Because he’s forgotten what it’s like to be, like, one of the regular people. So he’s playing Shogun and he keeps getting screwed, everyone gets to tell him what to do. Hold on…
“I’m designing a Babylon 5 mod for this game that I play with my clan. I’m in charge of doing the entire Earth Alliance tech tree, but I really want to do the Minbari tech tree. I’m hoping that when they see what a thorough job I do on the Alliance that they’ll let me do the Minbari. Hold on…
“So I don’t get what people see in Macs. The Mac is like a golf cart. It’s really good for one specific purpose where you don’t need a lot of power. But you don’t want to drive it on the highway. No, what I’m saying is that a PC can do a lot of things that a Mac can’t. You can do word processing, use the Internet, play games—. No, that’s not the point. I—I can’t talk about this anymore. You don’t get it. Just—hold on…”
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