Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I Write Angry E-mails to Faceless Multinational Corporations While Drinking Bourbon

Dr_Pepper_logo Dear Dr. Pepper,

You are an asshole. I only signed up for your cocksucking newsletter because you promised me a free Dr. Pepper for Chinese Democracy coming out in '08. However I NEVER GOT MY FREE FUCKING DR. PEPPER. Yeah, because your cocksucking servers were down all fucking day. It was abundantly clear that you had no intention of making good on your promise to give everyone in America a free artificially-flavored beverage. Instead, you used these highly convenient technical difficulties as a means to renege on your solemn promise to America. This is COCKSUCKER BEHAVIOR of the HIGHEST ORDER.

It has been well over a year since that day—the day of your greatest shame—and yet you continue to send me your bullshit newsletter. I can only interpret that as a slap to the fucking face.

Desist immediately, you cocksucking assholes. I don't give a shit about your noxious sugarwater anymore, and I do not give a fuck about these "Sugarland" assholes. One of them looks like a homosexual parody of a cowboy and the other is not fat but looks like she really ought to be so (her cheeks are paradoxically hollow yet chipmunk-like). I consider these degenerate hillfolk to be appropriate spokespeople for your perfidious and thoroughly ugly business.

Also, there should be a period after “Dr” but you can’t even get that right.

I hope that a massive corn smut bankrupts you. I hope that your children grow up in a dystopian future ruled by the iron fist of Mr. Pibb.

Signed,
A BILIOUS ENEMY


I remember writing this quite vividly, but the precise thought process at work escapes me. The e-mail in question arrived at my Hotmail account, which I use entirely as a spam magnet. So I really can’t imagine why I was so upset to actually receive spam. I suppose it was just the principle of the thing.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Windows 7 Speech Recognition vs. Literature

lolita Lolita, light of my life, the fire of Maya lin’s a period my scene, my soul. Lo – personnel press the capacity datata: the tip of the town taking it to the three steps down the power to happen, and three, on the teeth. Low. Movie. Top.

She was alone, the plane loaded, in the morning, spending 4 feet 10 and one sock. She was alone in slacks. She was Daly at school. She was Dolores on the dotted line. But in my arms she was always will be a period

Did she have a precursor? She did, indeed she did. In fact, there might have been no will be at all had I not loved, one summer, a certain initial girl – child. In a button stung by the city. Owen? About as many years but only two was born as my age was that summer. You can always count on a murderer for a fancy prose style.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, exhibit number one is what the Serbs, the misinformed, simple, no bowl – wing serves, convened. Look at this tangle of forms.


Metamorphsis But as a greater sense of awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transforming his bed into a gigantic insect. He was lying on his hard, as it were armored action placated, back in when he lifted his head a little he could see his dome like brown belly divided into stiff arched segments on top of which the `hardly keep in position that was about to slide off completely. His numerous legs, which were pitifully thing compared to the rest of his bald, which helplessly before his eyes.

What has happened to me? He thought. It was no green. His room, a regular human bedroom, only rather too small, like quite a bit of the four familiar walls. Above the table on which a collection of cloth samples as unpacked and spread out—Samsung was a commercial traveler – home the picture which he had recently cut out of an illustrated magazine put to a pretty gilt frame. It showed a lady, with a fur cap on in the first goal, siting of bright and holding out to the spectator a huge firm up into which the whole of reform had vanished!


blood-meridian See the child. He is pale incident, he wears a thing in regulating sure. He spokes the scullery fire. Outside like dark turn the fields with rags of snow in darker woods beyond the harbor yet a few last wolves. His fault are known for hearers of wood and drawers of water but intruders fathers been a schoolmaster. He lies in drink, he quotes from poets whose names are now lost. The point grudges by the fire and watches him.

Knight of your birth. 33. The way and it’s they were called. God help us stores did fall. I looked for blackness, polls in the heavens. The Gipper stove. The mother dead these 14 years that incubating our own post the creature who would carry her off. The father never speaks her name, the child does not know it. He has a sister in this world that he will not see again. He watches, pale and unwashed. He can neither read nor write in a million birds already a taste for mindless violence. All is to read present in that visage, the child of the father of the man.


cap-fd At the beginning of July, during a spell of exceptionally hot weather, towards evening, a certain young man came down onto the street from the little room he rented from some parents in S—lane and slowly, almost hesitantly, set off towards K—N bridge.

He had succeeded in avoiding an encounter with his landlady on the stairs. His room is situated right under the root of the tall, five story tenement, and sooner resemble a closet and a place of habitation. His landlady, verbally rented this room with dinner and a maid, lived on the floor below a separate apartment, and each time you wanted to go down to the street he had to pass his landlady sketching, the door of which was nearly always wide open onto the stairs. And each time, as he passed it, the young man had a morbid sensation of fever, of which he was ashamed of which caused him to frown. He was heavily in debt to his landlady and was afraid of running and we’re.


richard3 Enter Richard duke of Gloucester, solace.

Rich. Now is the winter of our discontent
Maybe glorious summer by the son of York;
And all the clouds that bordered on our house
In the deep bosom of the ocean curry.
Now are our brows about the victorious wreaths;
Power bruise arms home for monuments;
I were stern alarms changed to marry meetings;
104 Marches to delightful measures.
Green – visage more Moved his wrinkled front;
And now,—instead of mounting barbs deeds,
To fight the souls of fearful adversaries,—
He capers Kimberly and a ladies chamber
To the lascivious and pleasing a violent.


watchmen-cover The roar shocks journal. October 12, 1985.: Daughter carcass in Ali this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. The city’s afraid of me. I’ve seen its true face.

The streets are extended daughters and the gutters are full of blood and one that drains finally stepped over, although vermin will drown.

The accumulated field of all their sex and murder will fall about their waists and all the wars and politicians will look up and shouted “save us!”…

… And I’ll look down, and was her “know.”

They had a choice, all of them. They could’ve following the footsteps of good men like my father, or President Truman. Decent man who believed in a day’s work for a day’s pay.

Instead they follow the droppings of lectures and communists and didn’t realize that the trail over precipice until it was too late. Don’t tell me they didn’t have a choice. Now the whole world stands on the brink, sparing down into bloody hell, although as the bruins and intellectuals and smooth talkers…

… And all of the sun, nobody can think of anything to say.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Windows 7: A Few Thoughts

I took the plunge with the latest version of Windows after a mysterious sprite excreted a copy--from some unspeakable orifice--onto my chest as I slept. I've been using it continuously for the last several days and am prepared to make a few comments.

First, it was very childish of the installer to offer to backup my old XP files then, after I clicked "YES," to tell me that it was going to mangle them instead. It later told me that it was joking, but I found that all of my old MP3s had been replaced by a single Depeche Mode box set--in 64kbr WAV format.

Also, during the install, a very disturbing video played that depicted Mac users being fed to a multi-phallused beast with a mouth shaped like a vagina. A very strange song played during this video that made my head hurt. At some point I passed out. When I woke up the installation was done, so I can't really complain, but still ALL MAC USERS MUST SUFFER AND DIE SUFFER AND DIE SUFFER AND DIE SUFFER AND DIE.

When I was finally allowed to use the OS (after a brief quiz on the succession of Holy Roman Emperors--DRM these days, yeesh), I found the new taskbar very refreshing. For those not in the know, here's how it works:

Instead of the old system where every program had a little bar at the bottom of the screen, each discreet program is now represented by a tiny picture of an old man defecating the program icon. When you hover over the icon a list of Chinese characters appear that represent all open windows for that application. The characters are color coded by age according to the alchemical process of perfect unification of matter and spirit (nigredo, albedo, citrinitas, and rubedo). This creates a kind of fun uncertainty (Am I checking my e-mail or formatting my hard disk?) until you get used to the system (and while you only really need to memorize a fraction of the 50,000 traditional Chinese characters, I'd go ahead and pick up a copy of Rosetta Stone anyway, for reasons that will become obvious later).

Windows 7 immediately detected my hardware and downloaded the appropriate drivers. I could have done without it telling me that ATI video cards are for "fags and n00bs," though. I already know that and the shame haunts me daily. I did have a major ordeal finding Windows 7 64-bit drivers for my USB Pork Roaster, though, but it's a pretty bleeding edge piece of equipment.

I want to take a moment to talk about the sample media that come with the OS. It’s traditional for Windows to offer a smattering of “sample pictures” and “sample music” and such, but Windows 7 takes this to a bizarre and humiliating new level. The “sample pictures” are all pornographic MS-Paint illustrations of Hanna-Barbera cartoon characters, and the “sample videos” are haunting compositions consisting of static, shadowy figures, and ominous garbled speech that an antiquarian friend of mine assures me is a rare dialect of Akkadian. These videos give me headaches and nightmares but I find myself unable to stop watching them.

Back to the OS itself. The obtrusive Vista UAC is gone, and in its place is a sneering, sarcastic creature called MOLOCH. He has three settings: Off (not recommended), Jerkass, Motherfucker and Absolute Bastard. When I tried to turn him off he made my screen flicker in a strange pattern that made me feel sad and sleepy. I’ll never try it again. On the “Jerkass” setting he limits himself to questioning your manhood (or womanhood, as the case may be) and randomly undeleting your files. On “Motherfucker” he refuses to let you change anything on the system, claiming that you are “too stupid to own a computer.” The “Absolute Bastard” setting limits you to playing Free Cell and visiting MSN.com. It also uses your webcam to try to take surreptitious pictures of your genitals, then edit them into collages that make unflattering comparisons between your organs and those of common domestic canines. This setting also automatically deletes your Facebook account.

Even on the lowest setting MOLOCH is fiercely critical of the user’s taste in pornography. His constant recommendations are shocking and, I suspect, illegal. For instance, a Google search for “Sasha Grey” was redirected to an article about her contracting anal warts and a Bing search for “Russian lolitas all holes filled doberman pinscher.” All and all, MOLOCH is a very helpful feature and I would recommend that the user leave it at maximum strength because, let’s face it, you are nothing but a mewling ape-creature barely in command of your own feeble, moist body.

Windows 7’s system requirements bear a brief mention before I close:

Windows7Reqs

“The Spaghetti Incident?” should be optional, though. Part way through the installation, you are asked to put in the CD. The installer then plays the 13th track, “Look at Your Game, Girl” just so it can inform you afterwards that the song was written by Charles Manson. A dialogue appears that says “Did this freak you out?” Your options are “yes” or “no,” and the installation will not proceed until you admit that it did freak you out. A brief lecture follows on Manson’s involvement with Dennis Wilson and the Beach Boys. Interesting, but I don’t see what it has to do with installing Windows. (Note: The installer says to hold the vinyl version in the flames of a tallow candle and to inhale the fumes.)

There you have it. If you want an OS that basically runs itself (and on startup and shutdown lectures you on the intellectual and cultural superiority of the Chinese people), Windows 7 is just right. If, however, you prefer to be thought of as a homosexual by your friends and peers and to be the butt of cruel jokes made by the opposite sex, you might prefer to use a Mac or some effeminate *nix variant. PRAISE MOLOCH.