DLC Follies

At the risk of looking like I want to join the benighted ranks of so-called game reviewers, there is something I must say:

Mothership Zeta is a pile of suck.

Obligatory backstory: Mothership Zeta is the final piece of downloadable content (which we have taken to calling DLC in our pathological lust for easily digestible acronyms) for Fallout 3. 

I enjoyed Fallout 3, despite being a deranged Fallout purist who thinks that the cancellation of Van Buren was tantamount to Satan’s release from his infernal prison as per Revelation 20:7.

That said, I had (and still have) some misgivings about Fallout 3.  Misgivings that I cheerfully laid aside to enjoy the experience Bethesda actually delivered, rather than the one my fevered imagination wished might have been.

Mothership Zeta, however, is a pile of suck.

I won’t go into how it emphasizes Fallout 3’s weakest element (the S in FPS), or how it’s basically a giant gray corridor crawl punctuated by reactor explosions.  I won’t point out that it’s basically just Operation: Anchorage all over again with a graphics swap.

No.  Such complaints have been covered in more detail by people who actually get paid to play this kind of diarrhea.  Instead, I will focus on two particular elements that I believe showcase the general lack of “give a shit” displayed by Mothership Zeta at every turn.

You can’t see it in this picture, but the stars here are completely static.  It looks like there’s a giant black box around the ship upon which some miscreant spattered uniform blobs of white.  Because that’s exactly what it is.  The sun, meanwhile, just kind of hangs there and, due to the obvious proximity of the wall that mocks the eternal vastness of space, seems to be about as large as an overinflated beachball.

Inexcusable.

Then there’s this:

Perhaps you can see the problem.  Press ‘1’ for a hint.  Boop.  Where is your left glove, Captain Vacuum Exposure?

Now, a particularly clever shithead (or at least one who thinks himself clever), might attempt to rationalize these obvious deficiencies.  He might say that these things indicate that Mothership Zeta does not, in fact, take place in outer space but rather in a computer simulation.  Just like Operation: Anchorage.

A simpler explanation, of course, is that Bethesda simply didn’t give a shit.

“What are we gonna do for our last DLC guys?”

“Fuck, I don’t know.  Some new guns.  Some new guys to shoot.  I don’t think we need to work on a plot, or quests or anything.  Just kind of runnin’ around in a closed location, completely severed from the laboriously detailed game world we slaved over for years, shootin’ stuff.”

“And blowing up reactors?”

“Naturally.”

“Also, you can team up with a samurai and a cowboy.”  [NOTE: I am not making this up.]

How does this whole clusterfuck limp across the finish line?

Well, the Vault Dweller and his ragtag group of allies commandeer the alien spaceship, upon which another alien ship swoops in for the attack!  You must utilize the ship’s systems to defeat your interstellar adversary, rerouting power between the shields and the death ray, as the situation demands.  Eventually, through skill and determination, victory is achieved and the earth is saved.  You must crank up the death ray to maximum, then hammer the “fire” button until the enemy ship blows up real good.  No effort is required, and none is expended.

That sums up the entire Mothership Zeta experience in a nutshell.

Note: I demand respect for resisting the urge to title this post “MotherSHIT Zeta.”